Homeschooling Adventure

We have been homeschooling you this year, and have now decided to put you back into school in January. 

You were loving it, honestly. I loved watching you grow, and I really love the extra time with you. I am sorry that we have to stop!  Daddy is sad about stopping it too. He really loves it.  The really really real reason that we decided to stop at least for now is because I have a lot going on inside, feeling overwhelmed by lots of things, not just school. So I need to work on me, and that means simplifying. 

And then.. There's Love. :)

Editors Notes

 My babies. Okay!! So I have not been very diligent about writing in your books these last few months. I am sorry!!  Sometimes life gets busy. 

And then sometimes.... Life gets hard. When I started writing these letters, I did not anticipate the ethical questions that would later arise. Do I write just the good stuff?  Do I include the bad behavior, the tantrums, the picky eating?  I decided yes, it's a part of toddler life. Normal stuff any family has. 

Then a new level came up.. Behavior that I would not tell my coworkers in casual conversations. Things we keep close, like the time I was punishing you for stepping on Charlotte.. Again... "Accidentally", and you met my steady and determined gaze with an icy staredown that said louder than words ever could have.."I hate you". Your footsteps stormed upstairs.  You grunted. 

There is the door to the pink on pink bedroom that I had so carefully painted in the rare moments of free time that I have...after deciding you needed space and changing the whole house around so you could have your own room.. That is the door that was slammed in my face as I tried to follow you upstairs to comfort you within our set boundaries of family rules and good behavior. 

That is a nighttime story that would not be  shared at work the next morning with my friends. That is a night I share only with daddy and your grandparents and siblings. 

However.  That is not what I am writing about either. That is not the reason that I did not write in three months. It's also not that things did not happen worthy of going in the books. They did, lots of them, and I will surely try to document them. 

The real reason I write this today is to tell you that life is full of light, easy days, where things are easy and everyone is happy. This is the normal day to day of our lives together. Pancakes, froot loop necklace construction, snuggles, and bedtime stories. The everyday stuff, it's amazing, happy,  and incredibly rich.  

But there is another side of life when things aren't necessarily bad (life is never bad, we are lucky to be alive each day), but there are days and nights that are really challenging. They can be sad, painful, uncertain, lonely and disappointing. These are the days we have made mistakes, disappointed others, and ourselves, or been hurt by someone we love... The days I tell you things that I don't want to say, and you won't want to hear.  The ones where I do things that I know, as your mom, I have to do.. With consequences that will make us both cry ourselves to sleep with broken, aching, angry hearts. 

These dark days are harder to write about. I know that reading about the hard days will leave you with a curious feeling, sort of a mix of curiosity and regret. I know it will take the idyllic picture of what our home is like, and make it just a bit sharper. When I began writing these letters, I decided I would write mostly good stuff.. The "bad" stuff would be limited to cute misbehaviors, ironic incidents that were quickly resolved, and even notes that could cause sadness, like writing about someone when they die.  

Now that you are old enough to read your own letters, I am faced with new questions. Do I put things in that are cute and funny or important... Even if they embarrass you? How about if they embarrass you now but are likely to be cute and funny and nonembarrassing when you read them after you grow

up? Don't you want the whole story?

Originally your book was open to the public. I wanted the world to see and know that I had the smartest, cleverest, sweetest and obviously most beautiful kids ever born. 

Then I as a mom grew a little and realized that in an openly accessible format, bad strangers we didn't know could get a hold of your pictures and information. 

So I made it invite only. That has worked until now. There are things that I want you to know that I only want you and our family to know. So I will continue to write, but from now on, they are just for you. 

It would be easier to leave the hard stuff out, you know? A light, airy reflection of the best parts of your lives. 

But the truth is, there are lessons to be learned in the dark days. They are important. I want you to know that life is and has not always been easy or perfect.

There is beauty in how we get through the hard stuff and find the light again. 

The most important thing you will notice in the times I write about the harder things from now on, is that they all have a couple of things in common. 

1.) We didn't give up on each other. 

We might have gotten mad and said mean things and done things we have to make amends for, but we never give up on those we truly love. No matter what. 

2.) The rules stay the same. 

(Be kind, Respect. Respect each other and their belongings, Respect others in our community. Tell the truth. Don't hurt people.Listen. )

If you're in trouble, there's a 100 percent chance you (or we) broke one of those 5 basic family rules that we established when you were babies. 

3.) You are loved. 

Always and forever, no matter what. 

I have decided to share and document with you not the gory and gritty details of our family life in its darkest hours, but the basic idea that something is wrong or something has happened that is stressful to our family, because I want you to see that we recover from it, and it is a beautiful, wonderful, and important story of how we grew from it.

After I'm gone, it's not the cute pictures and sweet stories that will hold you when you are hurting.  Those won't help you understand that you are not alone when I am gone. Those won't  comfort your broken soul, or heal your spirit. It will be the examples of how we got over all the bad things with love, truth, and trust. 

Those, in the end, may be the things that mean the most. 

Love, your mom.